I hate everything. I hate myself, and I hate him. It just fucking sucks.
It's my fault he's not here and he's at the fucking pub, but it's his fault because he upset me. He's there, not here, because he'll say he didn't think I wanted to see him. And I told him not to get in contact with me, but he still did and I kept on talking to him to check on him and then he disappeared without saying goodbye and I thought he's come back but he's still gone and I fucking hate it.
I just feel so alone. I AM alone. If he really loves me then surely he'd reply? It sounds so little, but, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you come home? If we'd just found about me thinking he doesn't want to see me wouldn't you come and see me? Well actually who would come and see me? Why bother, I can't be bothered any more.
I'm so fed up of feeling this way I just went and impulsively spent 45 quid on betting and I feel like shit. I don't want to do this kind of stuff any more. I'm so fed up. I'm so fed up. I'm so fed up. I don't want to spend any more of my life crying, or angry, or confused, or so high that I think I can do any thing which results in me feeling even shittier later because I've drunken too much or spend too much.