Last Night

     I've calmed down a bit now,

 not as upset, still not great but I can function; have had a shower and come downstairs to do some work (that's not happened yet, but, it's a start).

     Still haven't heard from him, he probably stayed at the pub till dead late and stayed with a friend, he doesn't have a phone and god forbid he's use someone else's to let me know. I bet you he'll ring me and I'll ask and he'll say "I didn't know if you were talking to me" to which my response will be, "then why the fuck are you calling now? I'll tell you why, because NOW it's convenient for YOU".

     I tried speaking to an old friend/ex last night. We recently hung out and I was hoping I could possibly go hang out with him so I wasn't alone but all he did was to ask me annoying questions like "have you ever thought why you don't like being alone" and "maybe its a circle and you get upset because you're alone but then because you're upset no one wants to hang out with you", yea, cheers for making me feel better dickhead. Is it really too much to ask that someone could just of said, "hey sure come over, we'll stick tv on and go to sleep"? I guess it was.

     Last night I was so upset I didn't think the other guy could care about me at all. Now, thinking about it, it's really only him leaving for work and then staying out with friends, and we're not together so...
It still upset me he just left half way through, he always does that and even just thinking about it makes me so angry I tense up, but oh well. I honestly don't know if he cares about me. It's silly but one reason I want him to come on the holiday with me is because if he stays at home I'm sure he won't give a flying fuck that he's not with me. That should make me not want him to come, and it kind of does, but it upsets me knowing that he doesn't give a shit whether he comes with me or not. Sure, he'll say "of course I do" but really he'll be at home with two weeks off seeing his friends (some of which I do not like at all) and getting pissed with them. He'll have a great time. He'll tell me it was "okay" and that he was upset and missed me but I don't believe that. He says he can be himself around me so he can show me when he's upset, which in theory is great, but in reality I just think he has a better time with other people and him being able to open up to me has nothing to do with it. I think that's WHY he spends more time with other people, because he either gets to pretend to be this happy person he's not, or he actually is that happy person. I really don't understand. I feel like I'm being dragged along on a pointless ride, where I'm actually of no use at all and I'm only here because I'm stupid enough to believe that I am helping (something I can't help doing because I love being there for people). I said I'm not going to be around so many times, and then he cries and says he can't believe it and gets depressed, but I don't know if that's just an act. I don't believe anything any more he can lie so easily that I do believe he could make up an entire other life of being this upset, hurt person to keep me around and non of it be true. It's not that hard to believe seeing as though he can act dead happy around all his other mates it's really just the opposite.

     Tennis and (hopefully) revision for me,

     Keep safe,
 
     Aiyla