Shit.

So, I thought having depression, anxiety and an eating disorder was hard, and it bloody well was, but possibly have bipolar 2 or/AND an unstable emotions disorder as well.. how the fuck am I supposed to deal with that. I have no one I can talk to any more. Most of my friends are gone, the ones I have I'm too scared to meet up with in case I fuck up like usual, and the one person that it didn't matter what I acted like because he was always there...well now that's changed too. Yea he'll see me but that's not why he was different. He 'wants' to do things but can't/won't because he's scared of how I'll react to stuff. Basically, I'm alone now for good. It's probably for the best I guess. I can't hurt any one, no one can hurt me, kind of. Do you know how hard it is going from wanting to end it all to believing I can forget them all and do great things with my life? It's like my mind is two people.

Keep safe,

Aiyla

Last Night

     I've calmed down a bit now,

 not as upset, still not great but I can function; have had a shower and come downstairs to do some work (that's not happened yet, but, it's a start).

     Still haven't heard from him, he probably stayed at the pub till dead late and stayed with a friend, he doesn't have a phone and god forbid he's use someone else's to let me know. I bet you he'll ring me and I'll ask and he'll say "I didn't know if you were talking to me" to which my response will be, "then why the fuck are you calling now? I'll tell you why, because NOW it's convenient for YOU".

     I tried speaking to an old friend/ex last night. We recently hung out and I was hoping I could possibly go hang out with him so I wasn't alone but all he did was to ask me annoying questions like "have you ever thought why you don't like being alone" and "maybe its a circle and you get upset because you're alone but then because you're upset no one wants to hang out with you", yea, cheers for making me feel better dickhead. Is it really too much to ask that someone could just of said, "hey sure come over, we'll stick tv on and go to sleep"? I guess it was.

     Last night I was so upset I didn't think the other guy could care about me at all. Now, thinking about it, it's really only him leaving for work and then staying out with friends, and we're not together so...
It still upset me he just left half way through, he always does that and even just thinking about it makes me so angry I tense up, but oh well. I honestly don't know if he cares about me. It's silly but one reason I want him to come on the holiday with me is because if he stays at home I'm sure he won't give a flying fuck that he's not with me. That should make me not want him to come, and it kind of does, but it upsets me knowing that he doesn't give a shit whether he comes with me or not. Sure, he'll say "of course I do" but really he'll be at home with two weeks off seeing his friends (some of which I do not like at all) and getting pissed with them. He'll have a great time. He'll tell me it was "okay" and that he was upset and missed me but I don't believe that. He says he can be himself around me so he can show me when he's upset, which in theory is great, but in reality I just think he has a better time with other people and him being able to open up to me has nothing to do with it. I think that's WHY he spends more time with other people, because he either gets to pretend to be this happy person he's not, or he actually is that happy person. I really don't understand. I feel like I'm being dragged along on a pointless ride, where I'm actually of no use at all and I'm only here because I'm stupid enough to believe that I am helping (something I can't help doing because I love being there for people). I said I'm not going to be around so many times, and then he cries and says he can't believe it and gets depressed, but I don't know if that's just an act. I don't believe anything any more he can lie so easily that I do believe he could make up an entire other life of being this upset, hurt person to keep me around and non of it be true. It's not that hard to believe seeing as though he can act dead happy around all his other mates it's really just the opposite.

     Tennis and (hopefully) revision for me,

     Keep safe,
 
     Aiyla

No One

     You know the worst feeling when you're crying alone at night, is the one when you totally accept and realise that no one is going to come, but for whatever reason the pills or the scissors won't make it any better - you just have to sit through every slow minute feeling absolutely shit, all alone, with no escape.

Fuck

     I hate everything. I hate myself, and I hate him. It just fucking sucks.

     It's my fault he's not here and he's at the fucking pub, but it's his fault because he upset me. He's there, not here, because he'll say he didn't think I wanted to see him. And I told him not to get in contact with me, but he still did and I kept on talking to him to check on him and then he disappeared without saying goodbye and I thought he's come back but he's still gone and I fucking hate it.

     This is why I don't like being close to people, because no one understands. Fuck, I don't even understand. I just want someone to not listen to me and stay with me. I just want someone to stay with me and not leave.

     I just feel so alone. I AM alone. If he really loves me then surely he'd reply? It sounds so little, but, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you come home? If we'd just found about me thinking he doesn't want to see me wouldn't you come and see me? Well actually who would come and see me? Why bother, I can't be bothered any more.

     I'm so fed up of feeling this way I just went and impulsively spent 45 quid on betting and I feel like shit. I don't want to do this kind of stuff any more. I'm so fed up. I'm so fed up. I'm so fed up. I don't want to spend any more of my life crying, or angry, or confused, or so high that I think I can do any thing which results in me feeling even shittier later because I've drunken too much or spend too much.


     Keep safe,

     Aiyla

Down Days

     So, it's one of those days. I feel pretty apathetic and really can't see any point in getting out of bed. I felt like this yesterday, and the day before, but people did manage eventually to drag me out the house.

     I've been upset at one particular person, and even this morning they just left half way through talking with no word of goodbye or anything and I don't understand why - they know how bad it makes me! It just keeps happening over and over again and I just want to to scream, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!" but that won't solve any thing and there's a hell of a lot wrong with me.

     The thing is, it doesn't just makes me upset, it totally fucks my head up. I can't think straight, I feel so incredibly angry all throughout my body that I just want to scream and at the same time I'm breaking down a bit inside just wanting to cry. I don't understand and it confuses me so much why someone would keep doing this to me. Is it really so hard to end a conversation if you care about them? To reply and not just walk away? It makes me feel forgotten and entirely unimportant. I just then get into thinking, "what's the point, what's the point in anything, what's the point in talking to you, what's the point in talking to anyone" and all I want is to be alone, but really all I want is for them to be there in the first place so I don't have to wish I was alone.

     Keep safe,

     Aiyla

Mental Health

    The thing is, every one has a story -

whether they're just developing any type of disorder, have had one for X amount of months or years, used to have one, knows someone else with a mental illness, or just about their healthy life - and they're all very, very long. So, where exactly do you kick off?

     Even when you've decided where to begin, it's hard to actually put that all on paper. It's personal, it's your life and everything that's involved in making that up - emotions, actions, memories, people.

     Finally, when do you start?! It's been a few days since I created this blog; I kept thinking"'should I start when I'm in the moment or when I'm calm? Now or later?" I feel, well, relatively okay at the moment, which in some ways is good - I have an almost clear head, I can think about what I'm going to say and hopefully won't write anything on impulse that I'm later going to regret or disagree with!

     I think this is the best way to introduce this blog, however, I want to mention that, unless particularly harmful in any way, I am aiming to not delete anything from here once it's been posted. This enables people to read my thoughts and feelings at that specific time. Now this definitely isn't to say I will always feel and think the way I have spoken in my blog, but as this blog is about mental illness, I don't want to shy away from people seeing the real me, whether that be on a high, a low, or somewhere kind of in between! I'd rather give my opinions on a previous post in a new post, and discuss how things have changed (or stayed the same!) depending on my current mood and ability to see things clearly.

     I think it's important for people to see what it's like when people are experiencing mental health problems - not just hearing about the aftermath. Earlier this year, I was feeling pretty confident about the shift in negative attitudes towards mental illness, I even conducted a piece of work showing a decrease in stigma. Now, I have to admit, my opinion has slightly changed on this. It's recently seemed to me that, although an individual may believe they have no negative attitudes towards mental health, and it may be true that they have no prejudices, when some are faced with the actual behaviours (rather than just the information) of those with mental illnesses, they do discriminate against or think negatively towards that person.

    This is all for my first post, and I'll touch more on this subject in later posts, but I'd like to make a final point surrounding the difficult challenges of writing a blog on mental illness. I have various mental health issues and so all reading can be assured anything I write will be meant in the politest, least offensive way. Having said this, different individuals prefer and dislike certain words; for instance, the term "suffering from a mental illness" is sometimes not welcomed due to the word 'suffer'. I personally am not offended by this, yet I can see and understand why some people do not like this term. I welcome and urge readers to message or comment on anything they feel should be reviewed by myself that could or has caused offence - and if this has been the case, I of course apologise in advance!

   
     Keep safe,

     Aiyla